annoyed

I'm annoyed it took this long to write this post. Annoyed I spent hours on a CI/CD publishing workflow to get notes from my note-taking app to this little site that gets next to no views. Not that I believe it should get oodles, but somehow that - since I haven't made a post since 2020 - I am ineffective. As if it would've been better for me to never post again than to post "late" thereby consummating or making full the disappointment of my non-zero number of readers. But I've got to make this post.

I don't want to apologize nor self-flagellate. I post when post. I post what want. And, by golly, I'm not terminally online like a lot of the very smart and hard-working people whom I follow and whose writing I admire. Actually, it's judgemental to say "terminally online". I don't know their lives. I want to justify why I haven't written anything in so long. Not that that sentence is even true! I write so much more than I did 6 years ago. Most of it's just for me though and will likely never be posted.

I guess I feel shame for posting. Not in general, but at this particular point. As if I've lapsed and forgotten about you, dear reader. I suppose it's true. I had forgotten about you. I'd also forgotten - or have I just recently awakened to it? - that I have something of value to share. That my words aren't meaningless. That my thoughts aren't useless; after all thoughts are trapped behind words. And, beyond readership, it's helpful for me to write. By writing I eke out a static element of cohesive thought (more or less). An undiagnosed ADHDer, thoughts typically come at me faster than I can receive and capture them. So it's nice to be able to tie threads together into a... longer thread. Yeah, longer thread. Maybe I'll make a garment if I collect enough.

Truth is, I'm scared to be vulnerable. I'm scared to write honestly and open myself up to criticism. Even if that critic is me two weeks from now, reflecting on all the edits I "should" have made and condemning my imperfect grasp of my native language.

Thanks for letting process out loud :)